Wednesday, 21 March 2007

Hungover

When I woke up this morning I swore never to drink again. Horrible hangover. Wait. Hold on. I didn't even drink yesterday! In fact, I was extremely prudent and worked all night on my seminar paper! Hmm. Is it possible to develop the same symptoms as hangovers when working very hard and focused? This is weird.
My head is spinning and feels extremely heavy. There can only be one reason for this: I'm becoming too intelligent. There's only so much room for brains in my head! I mean, where does all the knowledge I'm amassing and have been amassing for year? Some people seem to be able to handle that quite well. Like Homer Simpson. He forgot how to drive a car so he could learn to swim (or something like that, I forget the exact circumstances). I can't seem to be doing this. At least I still know how to drive. And swim. Do I have to learn to live with hangovers? And how do I tell 'intelligence hangovers' apart from real hangovers? All these questions.

Friday, 16 March 2007

Cool?

It´s almost unbearable, I feel so cool right now. You should see me. I’m sitting in the train from Berlin back to Switzerland. Unfortunately you can, in effect, not see me. Unless you were in the same train, in the immediate vicinity of seat 68 in coach 273 in the City Night Line from Berlin to Zurich on March 13 of the Year of the Pig* #. A few minutes ago I was wearing my newish jacket which makes me look like I’m actually intelligent and alternative but while I was writing the footnotes above I got a bit too hot and had to take it off (You should really read the footnotes, they’re usually the only thing worthy of reading in my ramblings as they contain bits of wisdom that would be in violation of the rest of my nonsensical text.). I’m drinking beers and was listening to Farin Urlaub a few minutes ago, now it’s Greenday. I’m wearing my AwesomeCap which makes the wearer (i.e. me) extremely cool and popular. The beer makes my breath smell manly in the “Yes, that’s damn right wife, I was out for a few beers with my friends. Now make me breakfast” manly way. I am also writing manly text messages to my friend because I am suffering from privation symptoms caused by lack of internet for one whole week. Are you getting the picture? Surely everyone who laid eyes on me must have fallen in deep love with me. If I had commanded them to jump into a Bottomless Pit they would certainly have followed suit. I’m happy the train driver didn’t meet me or there would very likely have been an accident where everybody except me would have died. Oh, maybe I should note that I haven’t shaved for several days so I’m sporting the “I haven’t shaved for several days look” very successfully.

As I said in the beginning, it’s almost unbearable, I’m so cool. I hope I have brought you this feeling a little closer. My girlfriend fell asleep, it was too exciting sitting next to me, I assume. I don’t want to bring this sad fate upon you so I suggest you undertake a few other endeavours to bridge the horrible time frame between two of my articles. For example, you could count how many times the word “I” occurred in this piece of art. If you have not yet found out about or believed the incredible power and force of this word when referring to me I suggest you go ahead and count and add a prayer for every mentioning.



* The Chinese calendar is in the prosperous year of the Pig. Saying “March 13 of the Year of the Pig” is therefore, in fact, absolutely and miserably wrong as there is no such thing as March 13 in the Chinese Calendar. Or at least it’s not on the March 13 that we know as March 13. It’s a complicated matter and that’s why I couldn’t be bothered to look anything about it up. There, you’ve learnt something today. Maybe.

# Just for the record I would like to state that this keyboard and I are not friends. I’m writing on my girlfriend’s laptop which has the German version of keyboard software. Contrary to popular ignorance of the subject the Swiss and the German keyboard software and button layouts are quite extraordinarily different from each other. So I can’t for the world write a normal sentence without a typo. Be damned, keyboard!

Wednesday, 14 March 2007

Berlin Fear

I’m in Berlin, holidaying. My girlfriend is with me. She is from Berlin, has lived there for over two decades (she will hate reading ‘two decades’, it makes her feel older), so there is nothing for me to fear. Yet when we were having a stroll around her neighbourhood, she showing things of importance to me or to her or to someone else and I listening to these things of importance and silently agreeing that most of them were, in fact, of importance and making a mental note of them while walking on, forgetting to take pictures as I usually do when I see things and people of an everyday nature, although they always make the best shots, I immediately got this uneasy gut feeling when she twisted her sprained ankle a bit and stopped with an expression of terror on her face and squeezing my hand tightly so it hurt. I was suddenly aware of my immediate surroundings, like the tiger that I am, really. I scanned my front, my back, for any signs of danger and only after a fleeting moment realised that there was no danger and that my girlfriend had merely experienced a short glimpse of the exquisite pain one relates to say, motherhood. In her foot.

Later I tried to analyse what had caused my strange reaction to a thing so trivial – to enhance my simile I am tempted to say ‘a thing as trivial as childbirth’ yet I will refrain from it as I value my life and never planned on dying at the hands of my dearest one. It is weird, really. I am myself no stranger to big cities. I have been a visitor to most European capitals on multiple occasions, have seen the Big Apple and the City of Angels. I was an inhabitant of one of India’s largest metropolises. And I have been to Berlin several times and know that it is not a dangerous place at all, if you manage to avoid the areas where Kebab sticks are used as daggers (Was that racist just now? I am always trying to trace the fine line between racism and sarcasm, poke me with something, for example a Kebab stick, if I crossed the line). So why do I react so utterly different to an unexpected incident compared to how I would act back home (I come from a small country in the middle of Europe where the largest city counts around half a million people. There is no crime and no vices and we all sleep on butterflies’ wings at night and dream of dwarves and elves. That is to say, we are not used to bad things happening, and if they do, once in a while, we read about it in the papers, shake our innocent heads and think about what this country has come to. Then we forget the event quickly and return to our idle paradise, reassured in the conviction that it was a foreign element for sure that caused the upheaval. No self-respecting citizen of this small, ridiculously rich country would stir things up so badly.*)? I am guessing it has to do with assumptions. Country Boy goes to the Big City. He knows that everybody in the Big City is evil. Everybody wants your money, your clothes, your life, your soul. Everybody is the Big City. So Country Boy is ready to strike out at any sudden and/or unexpected movements. It’s his (of course this is relevant for female members of the Country People community too. I simply couldn’t be bothered writing ‘Country Boy-slash-Girl’ every few words. Call me a sexist.) life that’s at stake here! Of course, if Country Boy is of average or slightly above intelligence he will find out after a few hours that not everybody wants to see him dead and mutilated. Especially not in Berlin. Just imagine the economic downfall of a city that is already notorious for its enormous debts if suddenly no Country People would come to visit the Big City anymore. They would have to start being even unfriendlier than they are! Berliners aren’t exactly known for their politeness, you might know. Or rather, they don’t say anything unless it’s vital for survival. “Thank you” and “hello” do not fall into this category. “How about getting a light for your bike, dork?” seems to be, however. Apparently, survival includes not hurting your mobility device, aka car. But that is another story, involving bicycles and cars. And bike lights. But I'm too lazy to tell it.


*For the Americans: It’s Switzerland, not Sweden. Sweden is in Scandinavia, up north. Near Norway and Finland. In between, in fact. You know, where there are moose and Vodka and Volvos.